W Approves New Economical Bailout Before His Term Is Over

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, in some of his final days in office has approved yet another bailout deal for Wall Street. Sources say however, that this bailout won't cost as much. It is projected Bush authorized a plan that would only use 943,000 Dollars. The cheap plan, which has congressmen and women scratching their heads, will be enacted on January 13, 2009. It is described as "The fight for Wall Street" or as others say, "La Lucha por la Calle de Pared" and it involves one bull, and one bear. Un toro, un oso. The plan calls for the bear and the bull to battle it out just four miles away from Wall Street, at Brooklyn Tech High School's football field. The original plan called for Madison Square Garden, but they later decided it was too far away. It goes on to say the winner will decide the fate of our economy, so let's hope the bull wins. PETA will no doubt protest the economic plans, as it involves violence between two animals, but staunch repubrocrats will be quick to cite the newly approved Dubya Doesn't Care Act of Late 2008, which states W can ignore PETA if he wants. Sources say the recently approved act was secretly added into a government contract with The Scooter Store© which would give all employees "Freedom Scooters" once they retired. If W decides to use the DDCA, democrats would likely protest, saying it is unconstitutional. This might delay the Economic plans, but it will not end them; President elect Barack Obama once used a similar plan to prevent ACORN from going bankrupt. In ACORN's case, president elect Obama apparently chose squirrels and chipmunks, due to their fondness of acorns. When asked to comment on it, all he said was this: "Now look .... That was a long time ago ... and it worked ... so I don't see a problem with it." When Sen. John McCain, former presidential candidate was asked what he thought, he simply said "I see no problem with that. In fact, I hope the squirrel won... because what the democrats don't want you to know is that most squirrels are republican".
Preparations for the plan to be enacted will start in December, around Christmas. Official merchandise for the fight will start selling on Black Friday, and all proceeds will go to ... well ... bail us out. I'm pretty sure that's a good cause.


DirecTv and Dish will have pay per view coverage of the fight, but it is rumored that cable viewers will not be able to watch it, due to ESPN deciding to shift the fight to ESPN360. Though Verizon, AT&T, and some Charter Communications customers usually recieve ESPN360 there are scheduled blackouts in those areas, on that exact day, once again proving ESPN is the Colonel Klink of cable television.

Fun With Flashbacks, Part IV or How I somewhat cheat with a blog that's not really new.

I know what you're thinking. I've never done a Fun With Flashbacks blog, much less three of them. And you're right. The only reason this is part four is due to the Back to the Future Trilogy(which has nothing to do with my blog, it was more out of precaution.) Anyway, due to the economnomnomic crisis going on, I'm recycling editing my first blog. It does nothing for the environment, nor does it do anything to help me economically, I just like to say I told you so. Thus I give you my unequivocally recycled editor's cut blog.


Preface
June 3, 2008. It's around 2:40 and I had nothing to do. Nothing to do but blog. And so I did. For a whole 20 minutes or so, I sat in an office chair furiously writing and poorly photoshopping away on a blog I didn't really expect anyone to read. Well maybe I expected a few friends, but I pretty much figured everyone would just skim through it or ignore it as a load of bull. Some read it, some commented it (on myspace), and some did nothing (I don't blame them). It wasn't a sucess or close to being one, and I doubt it will ever be a sucess until america actually listens to me. Which might never happen, but I digress.

Parts One, and Two Merged for this Special Edition
A proposal for a solution to the end of America's debt, or "How I think we wasted money" or a totally recycled edited title from my first blog.
Getting straight to the subject, we waste pennies, dimes, nickels, and quarters. A man once said "A penny saved, is a penny earned". That man, also known as Benjamin Franklin, knew what he was talking about. If he didn't, I don't think he'd be on the 100 dollar bill. You see, America is in debt. Lots O' Debt. Why? I don't know.... Oh wait, I do know. It's the pennies, and all sorts of other change that we drop. And a few other major minor reasons, but for my sake I won't get into that.
In my first blog, I suggested we start a penny/dime/nickel saving commission. It could have a commercial, with a catchy phrase. I also said if America doesn't start now, we'll start down the long forgotten road of no coin change. And that it would not be fun on 99 cent taco Tuesdays for most of us. Sad thing is, I believe we're dead close to that fun-free taco-less future.

So what do we do? Simple. Save like no tomorrow. Forget tossing that penny into a wishing well wishing for a million dollars. If I had a penny for everytime someone did that, I'd have a million dollars. But I don't get a penny for that, so you can stop wishing. Plus, as I pointed out in the first blog, there are serious repercussions from throwing change into wells, rivers, and other places fish live. See Part two of said blog for more info: http://timducoteforpresidentoftheworld.blogspot.com/2008/06/proposal-for-solution-to-end-of.html

So as you can see, as I end this due to a general want to end it like I did the first blog- There is one true point that rings throughout like a bell symbolizing freedom rings. If America would just pick up their pocket change, I dare say we wouldn't be in debt. I also dare say I wouldn't have to write this.

Barack Obama Writing 4th Book; Sources Say it Is His Autobiography

CHICAGO, Illinois- Presidential candidate Barack Obama is at it again. No, not attacking his opponent John McCain, or upsetting the Hillians (crazy followers of Hilary Clinton). Barack Obama is writing a book. Sources say after the presidential debate held at University of Mississippi, Barack felt like he wanted to write again. And he did. The book, an autobiography, will be called Let Me Be Clear: The Barack Obama Story. When asked why he started writing so close to the end of the presidential campaigns, he said "Look... It's quite simple really,... it makes for a great ending when I'm president, and if by some odd chance I lose... it's still a great story". The book has a tenative schedule, but according to a reliable source, it is scheduled to come out November 6, Just two days after the final day to vote for the next President of the U.S.
John McCain was asked about it yesterday, and he welcomed it saying "If Obama wants to write an autobiography, that's great. That's American. I only hope all the profits go back to the tax paying citizens of America who had to put up with his pork barrel spending he's done in the past. Just look at his voting record...". His comments of course caused a response from Obama, with the Obama Camp issuing a press statement today saying "What my opponent was saying is simply not true. I am now opposed to pork barreled spending, and he knows it. So, um.. yeah." The McCain Camp didn't respond back, they just laughed and maverickly smiled like they had accomplished something. Interestingly enough, sources say Ron Paul also issued a statement today saying he was "offended that his opinion on the matter wasn't asked... This is nothing new, I mean the media's done this to me since day one... Thank God the internet is my friend, they'd ask me what I thought". Since then 11 blogs and counting now have his opinion on the matter.

You can pre-order Barack Obama's autobiography Let Me Be Clear: The Barack Obama Story
from Books-A-Zillion here.

Alice 96.1 Gone Missing; Research Shows CERN to Blame

FRANCO-SWISS BORDER, EUROPE AND SURPRISINGLY ALSO MONTGOMERY, AL- As most people who read the news know, the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire or CERN, recently started using it's Large Hadron Collider. The LHC sparked many arguments over the past week, with many thinking it could end the world. Some CERN workers even received death threats in the mail because of it. But what many don't know, is that CERN is the reason Alice 96. 1 is gone. You see, Alice is an acronym for A Large Ion Collider Experiment, and is one of the four main points on the LHC. Sources say in early the 2000's, CERN needed a place outside of Europe to keep ALICE, and they chose Montgomery, Al. French officials deemed it safe in Montgomery because "it was in a different country, and Alabama of all places" In cooperation with local officials, they hid ALICE at a local radio station, known as KISS FM at the time. KISS FM was then changed to Alice 96.1, with local and international officials rightfully thinking no one would suspect a thing. While CERN was building the rest of the Large Hadron Collider, Alice 96.1 was gaining popularity in Central Alabama. It wasn't until late august of 2008 that CERN actually needed ALICE back, and that's when Alice 96.1 slowly started the Emergency Name Plan Act of 2000. The owners of 96.1 came up with this plan shortly after France gave them ALICE, and chose the name "Q 96.1". The name is based off of a French phrase "Quelque Part" meaning "somewhere", and is the owner's way of saying that name was somewhere, just not here anymore.


I do however think I speak for the entire city of Montgomery(or maybe 3/4... 1/2... 1/4... or maybe just 3 people) when I say what kind of name is Q? Seriously.

IOC announces new plan to help beijing air quality problems

BEIJING, China- The International Olympic Committee recently announced a new plan to solve the air quality problems in Beijing. The air, which is apparently too smoggy for many athletes and has been criticized by several of them, has been the subject in many conversations about the Olympics. In fact, according to a recent Guinness world record list of "most popular conversation pieces at the Olympics", it is only second to "Will the U.S. bring home the Gold medals as a new economic stimulus plan?". After the Opening Ceremony in Beijing, which many either called "awesome" or "creepy", the IOC had an emergency meeting. Sources say they talked about whether or not they should have let the Chinese shoot fireworks into the sky when it already had enough smoke-like smog. One member, who remains unnamed, proposed a plan to build a giant Ionic Breeze type air purifier, called the "Olympic Breeze". Here are the before and after pictures:

You can't spell "Olympic Games" without smog...



It's like the smog isn't even there!


Now controversy might come up over the use of the Olympic Breeze, seeing as how it would just emit ozone that is harmful to humans, just like the ionic breeze. Well, they're wrong. Because it would be so massively huge, it would actually only emit the good ozone, leaving Beijing with that fresh rainy day scent. It'd also patch up a few holes in the ozone as well. The committee cites this as "only another reason everyone should love the Olympics". But in the spirit of the Olympics and where it is, It doesn't matter. You love the Olympics; I decided for you, no need to thank me.

There is trouble in the forest....

Nation,
There is unrest in the forest, and trouble in the trees. You see, the Maples want more sunlight, but the Oaks ignore their pleas. It's the classic story of oppression. Those dang oaks, thinking they're so wise and mighty... The Maples tend to disagree.(In fact, they're quite convinced they're right.) They say the oaks are just too lofty, and they "grab up all the light". However, the Oaks can't help it if that's the way they were made. When interviewed, they posed the question "Why can't the Maples just be happy in their shade?"
This trouble in the forest has not stopped either. This feud has caused all the forest creatures to leave, including the all to famous "Travelocity Gnome". He was unable to comment, and we couldn't hear him due to the maples screaming oppression, and our microphones only picking up the sounds of leaves from the Oaks shaking their heads.
Recently, the Maples formed a union. The MAACTU, or Maples Are Awesomely Cool Trees Union. This union demands equal rights to the Oaks, and passed a law supported by every lumberjack ever alive. Some have even gone as far to call it "noble". It requires that "All trees be kept equal, by hatchet, axe, and saw."

I think it's safe to say, it's a good day not to be a tree.


A little explanation, if you need one. I've always like Rush's "The Trees", and I like writing news style blogs too. I just figured I'd mix the two.

Tales from The Oven, Part I

And so, I start a series which I won't write about often. Depressing yes, but I only go to The Oven ever so often. Now when I say The Oven, I refer to Riverwalk Stadium in Montgomery. I just like the name The Oven a whole lot better. It goes with the whole biscuits thing better than Riverwalk Stadium does, and quite frankly, it is an oven in certain seats during the summer.

Now, I must confess I'm writing this a bit late. Chronic computer restarts and my Laziness have been the main things causing me to put it off. But getting back to the story,

There we were. Just arriving at The Oven, we were waiting for a friend to get there and get tickets so we could all sit in the same row. He got the tickets and we walked through the gates into The Oven, as the Biscuits were preheating...er, doing the pregame warm up(sorry, couldn't help the bad pun there). Okay, actually they had started before we walked in, but that's just a minor detail. Now I should point out that the main reason we were there was to heckle and support the biscuits. After all, what fan doesn't heckle at some point? We did(or at least I did) run into a dilemma. Because it was family faith night, we weren't sure how much we should heckle. We all agreed that we would heckle, but nothing bad or anti-family friendly. And thus it began. Sean Connery impressions, every random name we could think of that wasn't in The Mitchell Report, pointing out that the umpire was indeed short, and much much more. We clapped along with everything we could, even going 110%(or one measure after it ended) for all the songs. We even had kids in front of us clapping and commenting on the umpire's shortness by the third inning too. It was truly a family-ish event. Or so we thought.

The start of the seventh inning began as the previous had, with random yelling, clapping, and general festivities... ok, so pretty much just those first two. But not much later, this great game for the Biscuits turned Sourdough. Sorry I really couldn't help it. That was the last one I promise. One of the employees came over to us and asked to see our tickets. We wondered why, since even though we weren't in our seats, the closest people were three seats away and no one had come and claimed the seats. We cooperated with the employee Harry E*, and politely moved. But on the way, Jordan, my neighbor and resident Baseball Stadium Lawyer, asked the man why we had to move since no one actually wanted the seats, and when heckling no profane statements were made. We didn't even talk to the team like the Paula Abdul lady there, who I swear tried to distract our team on purpose... On top of all that, it wasn't even Harry's job to check tickets. I'm not blaming Harry E. for the event. He apologized, and after all he was just doing what the higher-ups had told him. It ruined the next 4 or 5 innings of the game after it though.

It left us walking around the stadium wanting to heckle, like a tribe hunting caribou for meat, pelts, and of course a creepy deer head to hang on a wall back at the tribe. We chose the back wall, and for a few innings it worked. Around that time we decided we were going to go sit back in the stands again, but at a different location. The location we chose ended up redeeming the night, thanks to the people there who thanked us for coming over, and occasionally joined in the pastimes enjoyed by those who aren't playing the "Great American Pastime"(aka singing, heckling, clapping, and dancing along to whatever song the play). We made it onto the big screen too, and if we had stayed in those seats any longer, I could venture to say we could have found the cure for the common cold. They say it's impossible, but then they haven't sat in those seats have they?

That's all for now. It was an interesting night to say the least, only redeemed by the older couple that thanked us and invited us to come back anytime we like as if it's their stadium. And with how great they were, they probably did own it. Sort of. Okay, not really, but they were still great. Tune in whenever I decide to WRITE another edition of Tales From The Oven. Or just read all the stuff on my blog. That'd be cool of you.

*Name was changed for sake of the person. Duh.