If NBA Finals were like the EURO 2012 Tournament

Group play. Tied games. Free throw shootouts? It could very well never happen, so that's why we blog it. Years ago (two to be exact) I started a similar venture with the World Cup, and never finished it. This will be almost the same, but I'll finish it this time (I won't be blogging regularly after this, it just seemed fitting to finish it now).

The Groups:

They're based off of how I've found them on ESPN.com, paired in 4's from left to right. Simple, no?

Group A, The Not Quite But Close Group of Death:

Chicago Bulls

Philadelphia 76ers

Miami Heat

NY Knicks

Group B, The One You Think You Know How It Will Finish:

Indiana Pacers

Orlando Magic

Boston Celtics

Atlanta Hawks

Group C, The Ironically Group C Is Always the Group of Death Isn't It:

San Antonio Spurs

Utah Jazz

OKC Thunder

Dallas Mavericks

Group D, The Anything Can Happen Group:

LA Lakers

Denver Nuggets

Memphis Grizzlies

LA Clippers

How I'll do this:

Each team will play each other in groups. Winners determined by actual playoffs result (ex. series winner) AND regular season results when available (total head to head record). If either is missing, the one not will prevail. If one team won playoffs but the other won regular season, I'll rule it a tie in group stages only (the intro was not a joke); afterwards I'll switch to a different method, but I'll explain when we get there.

The bracket will follow the same as EURO 2012. Top two advance to play top two of other groups (I’ll make a bracket when we get there, but you can just copy paste over the current EURO bracket if you really need one now). I'm also going to ignore all injuries that may or may not have happened for the sake of a good tournament.

So that's that. Let's get started.

Group Stage:

Group A:

Rose. James. Anthony. We sure it’s not the group of death here? Surprisingly, there’s a tougher group out there but we won’t focus on it yet. Games in this group we be tough, long, hard-fought, and not subject to “that’s what she said” jokes like this sentence. Poor jokes aside, let’s look at how they’d turn out:

Knicks v Heat: The tournament’s opening match would certainly not be a boring one, or one without stars. The classic Melo v LeBron arguments would start up in pre-match festivities, only to be squashed at halftime by the King himself.

RESULT: Heat win easily. (Heat postseason win)

76ers v Bulls: How do you follow up follow up a great first game? Make the second on just as good. Put the league’s best defending team against the league’s third best defending team. Everybody loves a defensive showdown, right? Well, everyone but fans that don’t like ties (basically most fans).                       

RESULT: Our first tie. (Bulls regular season, Philly postseason)

Heat v Bulls: Yet another showdown everyone wanted to see, and only in the group stages (or regular season, but who watches that…) can you get this! Unfortunately, unless you’re a fan of games that go back and forth all night with no results, you probably wouldn’t enjoy it. Just kidding, it’d be a great game!

RESULT: Another tie, but more exciting. (Tied regular season)

76ers v Knicks: Likely one of those games only fans of the sport (or the teams themselves) would watch. Doesn’t disappoint the fans that do watch it though! Well, doesn’t disappoint the Knicks fans. After a rough loss, the Knicks come back to beat a likely exhausted 76ers team.

RESULT: Knicks win. (Knicks regular season)

Heat v 76ers: Prolific scoring versus almost prolific defense. How does it end? With the almost best defense holding off the team I pretty much said had the best offense (but doesn’t). Much like the last game for the heat, it goes back and forth, but no team can get ahead of the other.                                                                    

RESULT: Tie. (Regular season tie)

Knicks v Bulls: The team that started off slow ends up surprising everyone by coming back to win their last game and make it to the Quarterfinals, all at the expense of the Knicks.                                                                                  

RESULT: Bulls win. (Bulls regular season)

Final Tally:

Unsurprisingly the Heat advance from this group, albeit stumbling through teams most would expect them to beat easily. The real surprise is Chicago advancing, as they didn’t make it through in the actual NBA Finals and on top of that, they tied on points. To choose the advancer, we’d normally go head to head. They tied, so I’ll do goal differential from their regular season games. Miami squeaks out by 1 more goal (point by NBA terms) scored.

Group A:

Team      Played      Pts     GD

Heat            3            5       15

Bulls           3            5       14

Knicks         3            4        --

76ers            3            2        --

(Bold advances)

Group B:

Mostly forgettable, yet at the same time it isn’t. After all, if one team who didn’t make it in the actual playoffs could make it to the quarterfinals, what’s to say a team from this group couldn’t win it all?

Magic v Pacers: A matchup of the giants of past, this game wouldn’t disappoint either set of fans. A back and forth match that one could only suspect ends with Dwight Howard making the game tying dunk whilst wearing a totally legal superman cape (after all, this isn’t David Stern’s NBA).

RESULT: Completely entertaining tie. (Orlando reg. season, Indiana postseason)

Celtics v Hawks: The three amigos play keep away from the Hawks all night in what proves to be the second blowout of the tournament. Not much else to type, really.

RESULT: Celtics win. (Celtics both regular and postseason)

Magic v Celtics: Superman cape or not, there’s nothing Dwight can do to stop the trio known as the Three Amigos. It is however, a tale of two halves. Orlando comes out fighting, only to be overwhelmed by the amigos in the second half.

RESULT: Celtics win. (Celtics regular season)

Pacers v Hawks: A close game the entire time, this is one that would be won in stoppage time (if the NBA used stoppage). The Pacers would start off leading, only to have the hawks swoop in right at the end for the kill (see what I did there?)

RESULT: Hawks win. (ATL regular season)

Celtics v Pacers: Close game after close game, a group that most (including myself) would likely write off still delivers. For the first time of the group stage, the Celtics are held off by a Pacers side that wasn’t having much luck in the tournament.

RESULT: Tie. (Regular season tied)

Hawks v Magic: The always solid Hawks perform the same as they would all group stage, coming together to create a well-deserved win. Dwight, his superman cape, and the rest of the Magic sulk their way back home.

RESULT: Hawks win. (Hawks regular season)

Final Tally:

Yet another group ends with a favorite advancing (the Celtics), an actual team not (the Pacers), an underdog advancing (the Hawks) and two leaders tied on points (more points this time, however). I swear I’m not purposefully making it like this. The Celtics however, win first due to head to head. Would rather goal differential instead? They’d win on that too.

Group B:

Team         Played       Pts

Celtics           3              7*

Hawks           3              7

Pacers           3              2

Magic            3              1

*Head to head over ATL

Group C:

The actual group of death. I’ll leave it at that.

Jazz v Spurs: In a bout of almost total domination, the Spurs show the Jazz (and fans) why it sucks to be that team mismatched to the group of death.

RESULT: Spurs win easily. (Spurs, regular and postseason)

OKC v Dallas: They say 1 man isn’t enough, but in soccer we say what if he’s German? (Note: Nobody in soccer ever says this. Ever.) Despite One German national on the Dallas team starting, it’s simply not enough. KD and friends bounce past the Mavs in this one.

RESULT: OKC wins. (Regular and postseason)

OKC v SPURS: The two giants face off in what would probably be another cliché-filled paragraph letting you know who wins. Just kidding. They tie.

RESULT: Tie. (Spurs regular season, OKC postseason).

Dallas v Jazz: Bouncing back from a tragic loss with a convincing win? That’s the power of German engineering from the post.

RESULT: Dallas win. (Regular season)

Jazz v OKC:  Utah’s last game to redeem themselves turns out to be a good one, at least by their standards. OKC takes the lead in the first half, only to give one up in the second. It’s not enough for Utah however, who goes home with zero points, the biggest victim of the group of death.

RESULT: OKC wins. (OKC regular season)

Dallas v Spurs: I love rivalries, and there’s fewer better than this one. The two neighbors battle through both halves, only to split the win for a tie. Dallas doesn’t advance by a single point.

RESULT: Painful tie. (Regular season split)

Final Tally:

In true group of death fashion, one advances happy, one goes home disappointed, and the two in the middle still hate each other. The surprising quality of this group? This is the only group to finish like the actual NBA Finals did.

Group C:

Team         Played       Pts

OKC              3              7

Spurs              3              5

Dallas             3              4

Jazz                3              0

Group D:

The Final Group of the Tournament, but definitely one not to forget: Two crosstown rivals thrown in with two teams having much recent success? Sounds like a recipe for chaos in the tournament, and that might just be what we get.

Lakers v Denver: A (insert overused cliché positive term here) Denver team goes in ready to beat the world only to exit the game beaten by the world. The world in the case of course, being the Lakers.

RESULT: Lakers Win. (Regular and postseason)

Clippers v Memphis: They say bears have a keen sense of smell, even keen enough to be able to detect women. Unfortunately for Memphis however, this wasn’t a WNBA game. The clippers give the grizzlies the haircut of their lives, and a loss.

RESULT: Clippers win. (Regular and postseason)

Denver v Memphis: Proving every case of “Samson syndrome” wrong, the grizzlies pull off an easy win versus the team still looking for gold in a postseason mine of disappointment.

RESULT: Grizzlies win. (Regular season)

LAL v LAC:  The crosstown showdown. Superteam of old vs Superteam of new. Old dogs however, don’t need to learn new tricks in this battle and end up showing the newcomers how it’s been done in LA all along.

RESULT: LAL wins. (Regular season)

Memphis v Lakers: The all too dominant Lakers cruise past Memphis after a brief scare or two in the first half. By the end of the game it’s clear who was going to win all along.

RESULT: Lakers win. (Regular season)

Clippers v Denver: The Clippers come back to show why no one should mess with them, while Denver joins Orlando in the post-game sulking.

RESULT: Clippers win. (Regular season)

Final Tally:

This group was all about the numbers: For the first time, a group winner finishes with all 9 points possible. For the second time, a team goes home without points. Once more, teams end up like they did in the actual playoffs. This stuff could be exciting if they actually did it like this could it not?

Group D:

Team         Played       Pts

Lakers           3              9

Clippers         3              7

Grizzlies        3              3

Denver           3              0

Knockout Stage:

Quarterfinals:

Advancing to the quarterfinals are the Heat, Bulls, Celtics, Hawks, OKC, Spurs, Lakers, and Clippers. The eight teams will be paired as such:

Winner A v Runner up B

Winner B v Runner up A

Winner C v Runner up D

Winner D v Runner up C

Or

QF1 Heat v Hawks

QF2 Celtics v Bulls

QF3 OKC v Clippers

QF4 Lakers v Spurs

After this, they’ll go into semifinals. That will look like this:

Winner QF1 v Winner QF3

Winner QF2 v Winner QF4

And then of course it’s the final.

Now, I mentioned earlier that I’d go into something different to settle ties when we got out of group stages, and I wasn’t lying. To make things more controversial (as if they weren’t enough already), I’ll use free throw shootouts. The team with the higher free throw percentage will advance, and the other goes home. That said, at the time of writing this I don’t even know that we’ll get this far.

The Quarterfinal Games:

Heat v Hawks: Eager to upset the team to beat, the Hawks strike first. Dream team 2.0 doesn’t take it well, returning the favor and then some. The Heat make the Hawks look like England during penalties and walk away with a solid win.

RESULT: Heat wins. (Regular season)

Celtics v Bulls: While the Celtics played better in the group stages than the Bulls, that didn’t stop the Bulls from making it a game. The Bulls come out guns blazing and keep it going until the whistle blows.

RESULT: Bulls win. (Regular season)

OKC v Clippers: In what would be the game of the Quarterfinals, Griffin and co. bring their A-game to upset the same team that would go on to lose the actual NBA Finals (Cue fans of OKC: “But they made it didn’t they? Isn’t that enough?”)

RESULT: Clippers win. (Regular season)

Lakers v Spurs: I know what you’re thinking: “been there, done that in like a buhmillion NBA Finals…” You’re probably… right, but instead of the Lakers advancing per recent times, it’s the Spurs that make it through.

RESULT: Spurs win. (Regular season)

Semifinals:
Going with the aforementioned bracket, they end up being two very good match-ups and looking like this:
Heat v Spurs
Bulls v Clippers

Heat v Spurs: There is no crueler mistress than the sea. Except of course, for the NBA Finals (sailors, we can debate the factuality of this statement later).In this particular case, the Mistress belongs to the Spurs. The Heat and Spurs only played one game this season, and the Heat won it. They’d win this game too.

Finalist Numero Uno: The Heat

Bulls v Clippers: Let’s be honest. With either team here advancing, it ends up being a match everyone would have wanted to see at the beginning of the season. All that aside, another cruel mistress was present for this semifinal, unfortunately at the expense of the Clippers. Another one game result sends a team to the exciting conclusion.

Finalist Numero Dos: The Bulls

THE FINAL

In a game surely not officiated by that one old ref whose name I forget and who hates Tim Duncan and the Spurs, it actually looks like it’d be a cool match. One team that actually made it, and one that didn’t. Of course in this, I’m ignoring all injuries, so anything was always possible. Anyway, to the match itself:

Heat v Bulls

If you remember the group stages, you’ll know they end up tied the first time around. If you know my style, you’ll know they end up tied the second time around. I mean why else would I have come up with the whole free-throw shootout thing? So, if NBA games were EURO 2012 PK shootouts, this would be England v Italy. England, of course being the Bulls, and Italy the Heat. That’s right. The Heat still win, even in a playoff format like this.

The End

So that’s that. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn’t, let me know why as I'm always open to criticism (unless it has to do with the Groups C+D puns or fragments. This entire blog is built on fragments and puns.)

Five Reasons Why FIFA will ultimately prevent soccer from being "The world's game" in America + WC Complaints!

The World Cup groups stages are over, and 4 round of 16 games have already been played... however, these matches were not without controversy. So without further ado, here are my complaints about the world cup, and reasons FIFA will prevent soccer from being "the world's game" in America. 


Reason number one:

Soccer vs. Football

Will the name argument ever end? No, and this is one very obvious reason soccer will never truly be a huge sport in America. It's obvious we have the NFL and because of that, soccer may will not ever be referred to as football, despite the scientific fact that feet are used more in soccer. The fact that America will not refer to Soccer as "Football" is not a big deal, though and I think most Americans realize that. The rest of the world however, (minus Australia, of course) needs to realize that America cannot (and will not) refer to soccer as Football. Once the petty arguments about the "real" name of the game stop, soccer can move on it's way towards being a more popular sport in America.

Complaint number one:

Sepp Blatter

Look at him. He's practically the penguin. (photo by AP)

Complaints? Sepp Blatter? Too many to blog about, but here's the gist of it: He's against the introduction of goal line technology, despite the fact that EVERY other major sport in the history of sports has at least one form of replay. He personally made sure the vuvuzela stayed at the world cup. And finally, he has no problems with cheaters in the world cup (see France v Ireland).

Complaint number two:

Terrible decisions by refereeing crews*

Look, I hate blaming referees as much as the next guy. Mainly because I referee soccer games quite a bit. You have to be in top shape to even think about being able to keep up with the flow of the game, not to mention have your eyes on the players, entire field, and AR's. It's probably the hardest game to referee, but all that aside, there were several calls that were just plain terrible.

Phantom Foul? Offside? We may ever know.

 

Handball? Even the "Hand of god" criticized it, but only because everyone laughed afterward.

FIFA Law 15-2010-USA states "if the USA have a chance of looking decent, the referee may disallow a goal if needed"

 

Even the German keeper, doing his best mid-air dolphin impression knew it was a goal.

You don't need to be German to understand this terrible call, or lack thereof.

You know it's bad when I argue that Lampard's goal for England vs. Germany should have counted (revenge of 66?) and that a goal against Mexico shouldn't have counted. Like Sepp Blatter, the referees could have more than enough complaints to fill up a blog post, however I'll just stick with these five as they are some of the most obvious.

Reason Number Two:

Koman Coulibaly

The world's utmost authority on half awake refereeing, Coulibaly put Mali on the map, but not the good map. (Photo © international hazma)

It's never a good idea to take anything that will make you drowsy before a match, but that didn't stop Coulibaly. Now, one may argue we didn't need the goal to advance... To which I would reply, "One does not need eyes to read, so give Koman yours. He NEEDS them." This guy was probably the worst and most influential referee so far this tournament, despite the number of referees who wrongly sent off players in other matches. But don't expect his mistake to keep Koman out of future world cups, much less the Cup of African Nations. Sepp Blatter likes this guy too much, no matter how many mistakes he makes. Referees like Koman are a huge reason people just starting to watch soccer will turn away. Bad calls in big name sports don't turn most fans away, but with soccer, a not-so-popular sport in the U.S., calls like this could ruin the game's reputation for life.

Reason/Complaint number three:

The Vuvuzela

Hey look, it's a vuvuzela party! (no homo?)

Vuvuzelas: Traditional African instrument. Weapon. AnnoyiBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

And that's it... Only five total complaints and reasons? Yes, but only because I'm sticking with the major ones. Any I forgot? Just add them in the comments. Oh, and the actual number of complaints/reasons I put in this blog is unknown to me. I'm too lazy to count. Sorry.

A Few Changes, or The First blog of the year.

Well, it's pretty much been a year with no blogs. I apologize. I really do like blogging short stories/Fake news/A serious blog every now and then, but there's just one problem. I can't just do that. So, to keep my attention and yours, I'm making a few changes. Here they are:

• I'll be adding pictures and logos I design on the computer. You'll probably like them. If not, they're still probably going on this blog.
• Less short stories/Fake news, but no more serious blogs. The internet is not my favorite place to debate, much less on a blog like this.. I might start a serious blog at a later time for stuff like that.
• I'll try and do more "Tales from the Oven" but no promises. (I have two "tales" potentially in the works.)
• Music reviews? Maybe. If anyone responds.
• And Finally, FIFA World Cup 2010 Complaints. I'm going to have them, so why not blog them so you can agree with me?*

If you have any ideas, let me know and I'll think about it.


*I might have no complaints. Keyword might. The USMNT has to win it for that to happen.

Merry Soon-to-be Christmas

Merry Christmas, and a happy new year.




That's all I'll blog about for now, which is more than I have in probably a year. Hooray!

Seeing as I never blog anymore,

I'm thinking I'm just going to get rid of my blog. I just don't write as much as I used to.

Grammar VS.The Internet: The war that will last forever.

Grammar Versus the Internet
or
The Neverending War, Pt. I


Epilogue

Few things last forever, and everyone knows that. But the lack of grammar on the internet, if left uncorrected, could last forever. One simply has to look on "Facebook", "Myspace", or the ultimate offender, a website that throws grammar out the window like William Shatner once threw caution to the wind, "I can has cheezburger". Five minutes on any of the following sites reveals one obvious thing; Grammar has no home on the internet. In this Weblog of mine, I will strategically break down my talking points into three small sections. Read with caution, as one may be offended when I go though the errors of many made on the internet.

Mine is Mine; Yours is yours, and you're is not what your thinking causes you believe it is.

The most popular mistake one can make is believing that the word 'your' is the same as "you're", the contraction for you are. It is not the same. If one would simply remember what they learned in school over a period of about 10+ years, they would avoid this mistake. The word 'your' is possessive, and should only be used in sentences dealing with possession, not actions. The word you're is quite underused, as the word your often replaces it. How would one feel if they were replaced by something that didn't do the same job? Rejected, of course. So the next time one writes a sentence, think. The word "you're", not "your" should be used to simplify "you are". To recap, it's simple:

• Your ≠ You're.
• See above.

They're having fun over there with their new favorite contraction, "they're".

Pretty much the same as above. They're ≠ there ≠ their. The word "they're" is used to denote a group of something doing something, the word "there" is meant to denote a location, and finally the word "their" is used in possessive sentences. In review:

• They're ≠ there ≠ their.
• You probably thought I'd say "See Above"
• You're right in thinking that, See Above.

Spelling Errors Come Easily, but Firefox with Spell Check is Easier.

It's as simple as these three steps:

1. Download Firefox here, then install it.
2. See above. It's that simple, and Firefox has a built in Spell Checker.

En Revisar.

Using Spanish in any sentence can confuse the average person, and one can always have fun with that. Fun aside, I'm entirely kidding about this whole blog. This is just what happens when I'm bored. But seriously people, take my advice. At least, the simplified advice(anything that had the phrase "See above" with it).

The End.

John McCain Picks Cardinals to Win Super Bowl; Dems Claim Victory After Game "Just For Fun"

TAMPA BAY, FL- In what some are calling one of the lamest possible things the Democrats can do to rub John McCain's loss in his face, the Democrats claimed Victory yet again Sunday night- Because McCain picked the Cards to win. President Obama held a press conference that night to congratulate the Steelers for "sort of doing the same thing I did". Joe Biden, though uninvited, also made an appearance only to say that he "wanted the Cards to win too, because he thought Kurt Warner reminded him of himself and the team reminded him of Barack..." when asked what he meant, he went on to say "Joe Biden is like Kurt Warner... I'm leading an inexperienced team in the big game... er sorry folks, my mouth is like a train: it starts going, and can't be stopped".
Joe later left the conference, only to find Barack didn't like a word he said. Other Democrats were asked what they thought as well, with Hilary Clinton saying "it was a great game..." and "I should probably get some terrible towels too for when I'm president". Her husband Bill thought it was a good game as well, and that the cheerleaders did a great job cheering the team on. It was also reported he later called both franchises to find out how to get them for Hilary's next campaign, because "She always needs people to cheer her on". My sources thought for a minute or so about whether or not to ask Nancy Pelosi for her opinion of the game, but they quickly realized she would just take the opportunity to talk about pass "protection", rather than the actual game.

In other news, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich went legally insane after cops wouldn't arrest him for "illegally trying to sell Super Bowl XLIII seats for the right price". Turns out, he finally did something that is worthy of the words "legally" and "selling" in the same sentence.

W Approves New Economical Bailout Before His Term Is Over

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, in some of his final days in office has approved yet another bailout deal for Wall Street. Sources say however, that this bailout won't cost as much. It is projected Bush authorized a plan that would only use 943,000 Dollars. The cheap plan, which has congressmen and women scratching their heads, will be enacted on January 13, 2009. It is described as "The fight for Wall Street" or as others say, "La Lucha por la Calle de Pared" and it involves one bull, and one bear. Un toro, un oso. The plan calls for the bear and the bull to battle it out just four miles away from Wall Street, at Brooklyn Tech High School's football field. The original plan called for Madison Square Garden, but they later decided it was too far away. It goes on to say the winner will decide the fate of our economy, so let's hope the bull wins. PETA will no doubt protest the economic plans, as it involves violence between two animals, but staunch repubrocrats will be quick to cite the newly approved Dubya Doesn't Care Act of Late 2008, which states W can ignore PETA if he wants. Sources say the recently approved act was secretly added into a government contract with The Scooter Store© which would give all employees "Freedom Scooters" once they retired. If W decides to use the DDCA, democrats would likely protest, saying it is unconstitutional. This might delay the Economic plans, but it will not end them; President elect Barack Obama once used a similar plan to prevent ACORN from going bankrupt. In ACORN's case, president elect Obama apparently chose squirrels and chipmunks, due to their fondness of acorns. When asked to comment on it, all he said was this: "Now look .... That was a long time ago ... and it worked ... so I don't see a problem with it." When Sen. John McCain, former presidential candidate was asked what he thought, he simply said "I see no problem with that. In fact, I hope the squirrel won... because what the democrats don't want you to know is that most squirrels are republican".
Preparations for the plan to be enacted will start in December, around Christmas. Official merchandise for the fight will start selling on Black Friday, and all proceeds will go to ... well ... bail us out. I'm pretty sure that's a good cause.


DirecTv and Dish will have pay per view coverage of the fight, but it is rumored that cable viewers will not be able to watch it, due to ESPN deciding to shift the fight to ESPN360. Though Verizon, AT&T, and some Charter Communications customers usually recieve ESPN360 there are scheduled blackouts in those areas, on that exact day, once again proving ESPN is the Colonel Klink of cable television.

Fun With Flashbacks, Part IV or How I somewhat cheat with a blog that's not really new.

I know what you're thinking. I've never done a Fun With Flashbacks blog, much less three of them. And you're right. The only reason this is part four is due to the Back to the Future Trilogy(which has nothing to do with my blog, it was more out of precaution.) Anyway, due to the economnomnomic crisis going on, I'm recycling editing my first blog. It does nothing for the environment, nor does it do anything to help me economically, I just like to say I told you so. Thus I give you my unequivocally recycled editor's cut blog.


Preface
June 3, 2008. It's around 2:40 and I had nothing to do. Nothing to do but blog. And so I did. For a whole 20 minutes or so, I sat in an office chair furiously writing and poorly photoshopping away on a blog I didn't really expect anyone to read. Well maybe I expected a few friends, but I pretty much figured everyone would just skim through it or ignore it as a load of bull. Some read it, some commented it (on myspace), and some did nothing (I don't blame them). It wasn't a sucess or close to being one, and I doubt it will ever be a sucess until america actually listens to me. Which might never happen, but I digress.

Parts One, and Two Merged for this Special Edition
A proposal for a solution to the end of America's debt, or "How I think we wasted money" or a totally recycled edited title from my first blog.
Getting straight to the subject, we waste pennies, dimes, nickels, and quarters. A man once said "A penny saved, is a penny earned". That man, also known as Benjamin Franklin, knew what he was talking about. If he didn't, I don't think he'd be on the 100 dollar bill. You see, America is in debt. Lots O' Debt. Why? I don't know.... Oh wait, I do know. It's the pennies, and all sorts of other change that we drop. And a few other major minor reasons, but for my sake I won't get into that.
In my first blog, I suggested we start a penny/dime/nickel saving commission. It could have a commercial, with a catchy phrase. I also said if America doesn't start now, we'll start down the long forgotten road of no coin change. And that it would not be fun on 99 cent taco Tuesdays for most of us. Sad thing is, I believe we're dead close to that fun-free taco-less future.

So what do we do? Simple. Save like no tomorrow. Forget tossing that penny into a wishing well wishing for a million dollars. If I had a penny for everytime someone did that, I'd have a million dollars. But I don't get a penny for that, so you can stop wishing. Plus, as I pointed out in the first blog, there are serious repercussions from throwing change into wells, rivers, and other places fish live. See Part two of said blog for more info: http://timducoteforpresidentoftheworld.blogspot.com/2008/06/proposal-for-solution-to-end-of.html

So as you can see, as I end this due to a general want to end it like I did the first blog- There is one true point that rings throughout like a bell symbolizing freedom rings. If America would just pick up their pocket change, I dare say we wouldn't be in debt. I also dare say I wouldn't have to write this.

Barack Obama Writing 4th Book; Sources Say it Is His Autobiography

CHICAGO, Illinois- Presidential candidate Barack Obama is at it again. No, not attacking his opponent John McCain, or upsetting the Hillians (crazy followers of Hilary Clinton). Barack Obama is writing a book. Sources say after the presidential debate held at University of Mississippi, Barack felt like he wanted to write again. And he did. The book, an autobiography, will be called Let Me Be Clear: The Barack Obama Story. When asked why he started writing so close to the end of the presidential campaigns, he said "Look... It's quite simple really,... it makes for a great ending when I'm president, and if by some odd chance I lose... it's still a great story". The book has a tenative schedule, but according to a reliable source, it is scheduled to come out November 6, Just two days after the final day to vote for the next President of the U.S.
John McCain was asked about it yesterday, and he welcomed it saying "If Obama wants to write an autobiography, that's great. That's American. I only hope all the profits go back to the tax paying citizens of America who had to put up with his pork barrel spending he's done in the past. Just look at his voting record...". His comments of course caused a response from Obama, with the Obama Camp issuing a press statement today saying "What my opponent was saying is simply not true. I am now opposed to pork barreled spending, and he knows it. So, um.. yeah." The McCain Camp didn't respond back, they just laughed and maverickly smiled like they had accomplished something. Interestingly enough, sources say Ron Paul also issued a statement today saying he was "offended that his opinion on the matter wasn't asked... This is nothing new, I mean the media's done this to me since day one... Thank God the internet is my friend, they'd ask me what I thought". Since then 11 blogs and counting now have his opinion on the matter.

You can pre-order Barack Obama's autobiography Let Me Be Clear: The Barack Obama Story
from Books-A-Zillion here.

Alice 96.1 Gone Missing; Research Shows CERN to Blame

FRANCO-SWISS BORDER, EUROPE AND SURPRISINGLY ALSO MONTGOMERY, AL- As most people who read the news know, the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire or CERN, recently started using it's Large Hadron Collider. The LHC sparked many arguments over the past week, with many thinking it could end the world. Some CERN workers even received death threats in the mail because of it. But what many don't know, is that CERN is the reason Alice 96. 1 is gone. You see, Alice is an acronym for A Large Ion Collider Experiment, and is one of the four main points on the LHC. Sources say in early the 2000's, CERN needed a place outside of Europe to keep ALICE, and they chose Montgomery, Al. French officials deemed it safe in Montgomery because "it was in a different country, and Alabama of all places" In cooperation with local officials, they hid ALICE at a local radio station, known as KISS FM at the time. KISS FM was then changed to Alice 96.1, with local and international officials rightfully thinking no one would suspect a thing. While CERN was building the rest of the Large Hadron Collider, Alice 96.1 was gaining popularity in Central Alabama. It wasn't until late august of 2008 that CERN actually needed ALICE back, and that's when Alice 96.1 slowly started the Emergency Name Plan Act of 2000. The owners of 96.1 came up with this plan shortly after France gave them ALICE, and chose the name "Q 96.1". The name is based off of a French phrase "Quelque Part" meaning "somewhere", and is the owner's way of saying that name was somewhere, just not here anymore.


I do however think I speak for the entire city of Montgomery(or maybe 3/4... 1/2... 1/4... or maybe just 3 people) when I say what kind of name is Q? Seriously.

IOC announces new plan to help beijing air quality problems

BEIJING, China- The International Olympic Committee recently announced a new plan to solve the air quality problems in Beijing. The air, which is apparently too smoggy for many athletes and has been criticized by several of them, has been the subject in many conversations about the Olympics. In fact, according to a recent Guinness world record list of "most popular conversation pieces at the Olympics", it is only second to "Will the U.S. bring home the Gold medals as a new economic stimulus plan?". After the Opening Ceremony in Beijing, which many either called "awesome" or "creepy", the IOC had an emergency meeting. Sources say they talked about whether or not they should have let the Chinese shoot fireworks into the sky when it already had enough smoke-like smog. One member, who remains unnamed, proposed a plan to build a giant Ionic Breeze type air purifier, called the "Olympic Breeze". Here are the before and after pictures:

You can't spell "Olympic Games" without smog...



It's like the smog isn't even there!


Now controversy might come up over the use of the Olympic Breeze, seeing as how it would just emit ozone that is harmful to humans, just like the ionic breeze. Well, they're wrong. Because it would be so massively huge, it would actually only emit the good ozone, leaving Beijing with that fresh rainy day scent. It'd also patch up a few holes in the ozone as well. The committee cites this as "only another reason everyone should love the Olympics". But in the spirit of the Olympics and where it is, It doesn't matter. You love the Olympics; I decided for you, no need to thank me.

There is trouble in the forest....

Nation,
There is unrest in the forest, and trouble in the trees. You see, the Maples want more sunlight, but the Oaks ignore their pleas. It's the classic story of oppression. Those dang oaks, thinking they're so wise and mighty... The Maples tend to disagree.(In fact, they're quite convinced they're right.) They say the oaks are just too lofty, and they "grab up all the light". However, the Oaks can't help it if that's the way they were made. When interviewed, they posed the question "Why can't the Maples just be happy in their shade?"
This trouble in the forest has not stopped either. This feud has caused all the forest creatures to leave, including the all to famous "Travelocity Gnome". He was unable to comment, and we couldn't hear him due to the maples screaming oppression, and our microphones only picking up the sounds of leaves from the Oaks shaking their heads.
Recently, the Maples formed a union. The MAACTU, or Maples Are Awesomely Cool Trees Union. This union demands equal rights to the Oaks, and passed a law supported by every lumberjack ever alive. Some have even gone as far to call it "noble". It requires that "All trees be kept equal, by hatchet, axe, and saw."

I think it's safe to say, it's a good day not to be a tree.


A little explanation, if you need one. I've always like Rush's "The Trees", and I like writing news style blogs too. I just figured I'd mix the two.

Tales from The Oven, Part I

And so, I start a series which I won't write about often. Depressing yes, but I only go to The Oven ever so often. Now when I say The Oven, I refer to Riverwalk Stadium in Montgomery. I just like the name The Oven a whole lot better. It goes with the whole biscuits thing better than Riverwalk Stadium does, and quite frankly, it is an oven in certain seats during the summer.

Now, I must confess I'm writing this a bit late. Chronic computer restarts and my Laziness have been the main things causing me to put it off. But getting back to the story,

There we were. Just arriving at The Oven, we were waiting for a friend to get there and get tickets so we could all sit in the same row. He got the tickets and we walked through the gates into The Oven, as the Biscuits were preheating...er, doing the pregame warm up(sorry, couldn't help the bad pun there). Okay, actually they had started before we walked in, but that's just a minor detail. Now I should point out that the main reason we were there was to heckle and support the biscuits. After all, what fan doesn't heckle at some point? We did(or at least I did) run into a dilemma. Because it was family faith night, we weren't sure how much we should heckle. We all agreed that we would heckle, but nothing bad or anti-family friendly. And thus it began. Sean Connery impressions, every random name we could think of that wasn't in The Mitchell Report, pointing out that the umpire was indeed short, and much much more. We clapped along with everything we could, even going 110%(or one measure after it ended) for all the songs. We even had kids in front of us clapping and commenting on the umpire's shortness by the third inning too. It was truly a family-ish event. Or so we thought.

The start of the seventh inning began as the previous had, with random yelling, clapping, and general festivities... ok, so pretty much just those first two. But not much later, this great game for the Biscuits turned Sourdough. Sorry I really couldn't help it. That was the last one I promise. One of the employees came over to us and asked to see our tickets. We wondered why, since even though we weren't in our seats, the closest people were three seats away and no one had come and claimed the seats. We cooperated with the employee Harry E*, and politely moved. But on the way, Jordan, my neighbor and resident Baseball Stadium Lawyer, asked the man why we had to move since no one actually wanted the seats, and when heckling no profane statements were made. We didn't even talk to the team like the Paula Abdul lady there, who I swear tried to distract our team on purpose... On top of all that, it wasn't even Harry's job to check tickets. I'm not blaming Harry E. for the event. He apologized, and after all he was just doing what the higher-ups had told him. It ruined the next 4 or 5 innings of the game after it though.

It left us walking around the stadium wanting to heckle, like a tribe hunting caribou for meat, pelts, and of course a creepy deer head to hang on a wall back at the tribe. We chose the back wall, and for a few innings it worked. Around that time we decided we were going to go sit back in the stands again, but at a different location. The location we chose ended up redeeming the night, thanks to the people there who thanked us for coming over, and occasionally joined in the pastimes enjoyed by those who aren't playing the "Great American Pastime"(aka singing, heckling, clapping, and dancing along to whatever song the play). We made it onto the big screen too, and if we had stayed in those seats any longer, I could venture to say we could have found the cure for the common cold. They say it's impossible, but then they haven't sat in those seats have they?

That's all for now. It was an interesting night to say the least, only redeemed by the older couple that thanked us and invited us to come back anytime we like as if it's their stadium. And with how great they were, they probably did own it. Sort of. Okay, not really, but they were still great. Tune in whenever I decide to WRITE another edition of Tales From The Oven. Or just read all the stuff on my blog. That'd be cool of you.

*Name was changed for sake of the person. Duh.

Is this really the new chicken dance?

Dang liberals. Er, dang little girls... Invading such a timeless dance such as the chicken dance, making it "funky" or "fresh" or whatever other term that makes me sound like I don't know what the cool terms these days are. Here's the video, you be the judge. Is this another pointless McD commercial gone bad? Or is this the future of the chicken dance?

(note: video is a bit off)

Facebook Yearbook to come out soon

PALO ALTO, California- The suits at Facebook's HQ in Palo Alto announced late last night that they were planning on making a yearbook of Facebook users, because it would be "Pretty dang cool". When asked how they would do it, they had this to say: "Because there's like a bazillion users... okay, more like 80 million active users, we'll have to use a computer to go through making a list of the account names. From then on, we'll have to manually search through names to see if they're real or not, which will be hard to do.We'll also have to age restrict for privacy reasons, and add a funny haiku for those who don't want their picture in it."
It will indeed be a tough task for Facebook, as they are likely to face a large amount of angry 12, 13, and 14 year olds who have illegally registered on the site claiming to be older than they really are, and just want to be popular. It will also be tough deciding on which group would be considered the Glee Club, though sources say they have already chosen "Petition facebook for colored profiles" as the glee club, because "they want colored profiles, that sounds glee-ish". The yearbook for 2008 should be done by 2020, which sources say will largely be caused by a Myspace-Facebook merger. This gives hope to all users that the name of the yearbook will be "My face's Space Book".

Oh my gosh. I'm famous. Sort of.

I never thought this day would come. If you search my name in google, I'm actually the first result, making me the first person in my family to ever have the awsomeness of it. This is a great day for Tims and Ducotés everywhere. Anyways, I'll have a new blog soon. I guess I should have written one sooner(go ahead, say it Nick), but I haven't had any ideas lately. Hopefully my idea drought will end soon, now that I'm sort of famous.

BBC Says Mars Rover Is "Frustrated By Martian Soil", Lander says "That's What She Said"

MARS, The Solar System- BBC reporters say that Martian soil has frustrated The Phoenix Lander, because it can't get a reading from it. My own sources say the Lander, or Mr. Pheeny as I like to call it, has reportedly sent back binary data saying "This place is stupid." and "all your base are belonging to Mars". Many of us here at my house know that this is not good news at all. Mr. Pheeny, who was sent to Mars on the 25th of May, has just now started to try and dig to analyze the soil of Mars. BBC said that when it tried to analyze the soil in it's hi-tech Thermal and Evolved-Gas Analyzer, it seemed the soil was a bit too "lumpy", and that "it frustrated the rover". When NASA told the Rover, it reportedly sent back a binary code saying "That's what she said" and that "it will pwn Mars' soil." Sources say that the problem should be fixed in a few days, once the necessary code to read the soil is sent to the rover. Until then, NASA say they will "do whatever is possible to find out about Mars... Even if it means sending Commander Keen there" referring to Billy Blaze, now 36, but most known as the kid whowent to Mars in a spaceship made out of old soup cans and other household items. If Keen does go to Mars again, it will likely be in a real spaceship this time for safety and weight reasons.

China to Allow Texting As Olympic Sport

China to Allow Texting As Olympic Sport
Can America Bring Home the Gold?
By: Tim Ducote



WASHINGTON, D.C.- This statement might come to many as a surprise. The first being me writing a news article, and second being texting as an Olympic sport. But in a recent interview with the U.S. Olympic Committee, we find both happen to come up. "I didn't know texting was a sport" said U.S. Olympic Ombudsman John W. Ruger. "But we're certainly working on it. We've got a team together, including the World's best texter Ben Cook... That kid is so good, only a robot can beat him." he said, confidently referring to the fact that Ben Cook has only been beaten in texting competitions by a text-to-speech computer. The rest of the team has not been named yet, but speculators say it will be "the next dream team, but in tech form". But the U.S. will have some tough competition, most likely going against England's favorite James Trusler, New Zealand's Elliot Nicholls, and the 16 year-old Singaporean wonder Ang Chuang.
The main thought on everyone's mind though is this: Will anyone be texting, idk their bff jill... or maybe rose?










Disclaimer: THIS IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, POKING FUN AT THE OLYMPICS. NO ACTUAL EVENTS MENTIONED TOOK PLACE.

Attack of the Clownes?

Once again, I decided to make another blog of stupid conspiracy theories. Sure, with the Dallas Morning News giving me free reign to go through new, previously hidden J.F.K. assassination files I could have proven that it was the Mongoose in the grassy knoll after all, but we all know that's true and thus would have been a waste of precious internet for me to write about it. Remember, the internet isn't a truck where we can dump all our files onto. It's a series of tubes, and they can be clogged. Which is why I'd like to remind you to be green when using the Interwebs. I think I can say roughly one ninth of the internet has been lost from wasted internet. If this continues, along with the average user's silicon footprint, in ten years roughly one ninth will still be wasted! I'll leave you with my favorite SoTA(series of tubes awareness) poster. Series of Tubes Poster.


What you came to read in the first place
Anyways, I'd like to bring awareness to Clowns. Er, Clones. Okay, both of them. You see, to properly explain I'll have to go back a little. Last year I studied etymology a little, also known as the study of words and where they come from. While researching words one day, I came across an astonishing discovery. Now, along with my colleagues Professor Tim Coolson and Professor Bob G. Madd, I have reason to believe that Clowns and Clones are actually one of the same. Ok, so maybe it's just me and I made up the two "colleagues", but I still have reason to believe they're closely related.

And Now for something completely in Danish, or really just a few Danish words here and there.
If one looks up the Danish word for Clown, they would easily find that it is "Klovn".
Now if one does the same for Clone, they find the word is "Klon". What? Only a one letter difference? How could that be you ask? Well it's simple. Way back before the Germanic Consonant Shift in the third century(we're talking B.C./ early A.D.), the Danes were just chilling. Yes, Chilling... That is until a massive Klovn Attack, also known to many as one of the attacks Ceasar Augustus sent upon the Danes. Of course then they weren't known as Danes, and yes I realize I just made a statement saying that Ceaser Augustus himself, the first Roman Emperor sent Clowns to attack. And I stand by that. Sort of. More of right next to it. You see, what strikes fear into a grown man's heart more than clowns? Nothing. Well, not much anyways. Augustus knew this, and as a man who knew the power of clowns himself, he sent them upon the Danes hoping to conquer them. When the clowns arrived, ironically all crammed onto a tiny cart carried by a miniature pony(much like the tiny cars they use today) it was interesting. A young historian at the time, along with his teacher, were recording the moment in history. The boy described them as "klovns" much to his teacher's disagreement. At the time, the word "Klon" had many meanings, such as clone. If the boy had used "Klons" to describe them, it would have been accurate. But the boy, much like myself, thought that because they were a new type of clone so to speak, they deserved a new word: "Klovn", or Clown.* His teacher, who was a a wise old man, never did understand it. In fact, The Great Foyer of Records(not to be confused with The Great Hall of Records) has him quoted as saying "Kids these days... making up new words like they're smart or something... well back in my day, we didn't have words... wait, we did. My bad... the kid is just too creative. Kind of like how anakin had too much of a midichlorian coun... oh wait, that hasn't come out yet, whatever it is..". So you see, it is quite simple. Clowns and Clones are the same thing. Clowns just look funnier or scarier, depending on what you think.


So does this mean that we will all be attacked by clownes? like a clownevasion?
No. Shortly after they tried to sack Denmark, some guy with a Ham led them free from the rule of The Roman Empire, and the then crazy Rulers. This later gave inspiration to Shakespeare to make Hamlet(changing a few major details here, there, and everywhere). From then on the Clownes were a peaceful and prosperous people. Today Clownes aren't too bad, they just scare people. Of course if you ask them they'd say kids love them, but we all know the truth. So there you have it, the entire slightly abridged* history of clones/clowns. If you don't believe me, that's not fine. It's not surprising for someone to think I'm making all this up...



*1 This statement has also been verified by myself, and is available in Tim's History of The World: You'd be better off with a real book Edition, available from BobCo Publishers.

*2 I was tired, so I abridged it. a little.