Barack Obama Writing 4th Book; Sources Say it Is His Autobiography

CHICAGO, Illinois- Presidential candidate Barack Obama is at it again. No, not attacking his opponent John McCain, or upsetting the Hillians (crazy followers of Hilary Clinton). Barack Obama is writing a book. Sources say after the presidential debate held at University of Mississippi, Barack felt like he wanted to write again. And he did. The book, an autobiography, will be called Let Me Be Clear: The Barack Obama Story. When asked why he started writing so close to the end of the presidential campaigns, he said "Look... It's quite simple really,... it makes for a great ending when I'm president, and if by some odd chance I lose... it's still a great story". The book has a tenative schedule, but according to a reliable source, it is scheduled to come out November 6, Just two days after the final day to vote for the next President of the U.S.
John McCain was asked about it yesterday, and he welcomed it saying "If Obama wants to write an autobiography, that's great. That's American. I only hope all the profits go back to the tax paying citizens of America who had to put up with his pork barrel spending he's done in the past. Just look at his voting record...". His comments of course caused a response from Obama, with the Obama Camp issuing a press statement today saying "What my opponent was saying is simply not true. I am now opposed to pork barreled spending, and he knows it. So, um.. yeah." The McCain Camp didn't respond back, they just laughed and maverickly smiled like they had accomplished something. Interestingly enough, sources say Ron Paul also issued a statement today saying he was "offended that his opinion on the matter wasn't asked... This is nothing new, I mean the media's done this to me since day one... Thank God the internet is my friend, they'd ask me what I thought". Since then 11 blogs and counting now have his opinion on the matter.

You can pre-order Barack Obama's autobiography Let Me Be Clear: The Barack Obama Story
from Books-A-Zillion here.

Alice 96.1 Gone Missing; Research Shows CERN to Blame

FRANCO-SWISS BORDER, EUROPE AND SURPRISINGLY ALSO MONTGOMERY, AL- As most people who read the news know, the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire or CERN, recently started using it's Large Hadron Collider. The LHC sparked many arguments over the past week, with many thinking it could end the world. Some CERN workers even received death threats in the mail because of it. But what many don't know, is that CERN is the reason Alice 96. 1 is gone. You see, Alice is an acronym for A Large Ion Collider Experiment, and is one of the four main points on the LHC. Sources say in early the 2000's, CERN needed a place outside of Europe to keep ALICE, and they chose Montgomery, Al. French officials deemed it safe in Montgomery because "it was in a different country, and Alabama of all places" In cooperation with local officials, they hid ALICE at a local radio station, known as KISS FM at the time. KISS FM was then changed to Alice 96.1, with local and international officials rightfully thinking no one would suspect a thing. While CERN was building the rest of the Large Hadron Collider, Alice 96.1 was gaining popularity in Central Alabama. It wasn't until late august of 2008 that CERN actually needed ALICE back, and that's when Alice 96.1 slowly started the Emergency Name Plan Act of 2000. The owners of 96.1 came up with this plan shortly after France gave them ALICE, and chose the name "Q 96.1". The name is based off of a French phrase "Quelque Part" meaning "somewhere", and is the owner's way of saying that name was somewhere, just not here anymore.


I do however think I speak for the entire city of Montgomery(or maybe 3/4... 1/2... 1/4... or maybe just 3 people) when I say what kind of name is Q? Seriously.

IOC announces new plan to help beijing air quality problems

BEIJING, China- The International Olympic Committee recently announced a new plan to solve the air quality problems in Beijing. The air, which is apparently too smoggy for many athletes and has been criticized by several of them, has been the subject in many conversations about the Olympics. In fact, according to a recent Guinness world record list of "most popular conversation pieces at the Olympics", it is only second to "Will the U.S. bring home the Gold medals as a new economic stimulus plan?". After the Opening Ceremony in Beijing, which many either called "awesome" or "creepy", the IOC had an emergency meeting. Sources say they talked about whether or not they should have let the Chinese shoot fireworks into the sky when it already had enough smoke-like smog. One member, who remains unnamed, proposed a plan to build a giant Ionic Breeze type air purifier, called the "Olympic Breeze". Here are the before and after pictures:

You can't spell "Olympic Games" without smog...



It's like the smog isn't even there!


Now controversy might come up over the use of the Olympic Breeze, seeing as how it would just emit ozone that is harmful to humans, just like the ionic breeze. Well, they're wrong. Because it would be so massively huge, it would actually only emit the good ozone, leaving Beijing with that fresh rainy day scent. It'd also patch up a few holes in the ozone as well. The committee cites this as "only another reason everyone should love the Olympics". But in the spirit of the Olympics and where it is, It doesn't matter. You love the Olympics; I decided for you, no need to thank me.

There is trouble in the forest....

Nation,
There is unrest in the forest, and trouble in the trees. You see, the Maples want more sunlight, but the Oaks ignore their pleas. It's the classic story of oppression. Those dang oaks, thinking they're so wise and mighty... The Maples tend to disagree.(In fact, they're quite convinced they're right.) They say the oaks are just too lofty, and they "grab up all the light". However, the Oaks can't help it if that's the way they were made. When interviewed, they posed the question "Why can't the Maples just be happy in their shade?"
This trouble in the forest has not stopped either. This feud has caused all the forest creatures to leave, including the all to famous "Travelocity Gnome". He was unable to comment, and we couldn't hear him due to the maples screaming oppression, and our microphones only picking up the sounds of leaves from the Oaks shaking their heads.
Recently, the Maples formed a union. The MAACTU, or Maples Are Awesomely Cool Trees Union. This union demands equal rights to the Oaks, and passed a law supported by every lumberjack ever alive. Some have even gone as far to call it "noble". It requires that "All trees be kept equal, by hatchet, axe, and saw."

I think it's safe to say, it's a good day not to be a tree.


A little explanation, if you need one. I've always like Rush's "The Trees", and I like writing news style blogs too. I just figured I'd mix the two.

Tales from The Oven, Part I

And so, I start a series which I won't write about often. Depressing yes, but I only go to The Oven ever so often. Now when I say The Oven, I refer to Riverwalk Stadium in Montgomery. I just like the name The Oven a whole lot better. It goes with the whole biscuits thing better than Riverwalk Stadium does, and quite frankly, it is an oven in certain seats during the summer.

Now, I must confess I'm writing this a bit late. Chronic computer restarts and my Laziness have been the main things causing me to put it off. But getting back to the story,

There we were. Just arriving at The Oven, we were waiting for a friend to get there and get tickets so we could all sit in the same row. He got the tickets and we walked through the gates into The Oven, as the Biscuits were preheating...er, doing the pregame warm up(sorry, couldn't help the bad pun there). Okay, actually they had started before we walked in, but that's just a minor detail. Now I should point out that the main reason we were there was to heckle and support the biscuits. After all, what fan doesn't heckle at some point? We did(or at least I did) run into a dilemma. Because it was family faith night, we weren't sure how much we should heckle. We all agreed that we would heckle, but nothing bad or anti-family friendly. And thus it began. Sean Connery impressions, every random name we could think of that wasn't in The Mitchell Report, pointing out that the umpire was indeed short, and much much more. We clapped along with everything we could, even going 110%(or one measure after it ended) for all the songs. We even had kids in front of us clapping and commenting on the umpire's shortness by the third inning too. It was truly a family-ish event. Or so we thought.

The start of the seventh inning began as the previous had, with random yelling, clapping, and general festivities... ok, so pretty much just those first two. But not much later, this great game for the Biscuits turned Sourdough. Sorry I really couldn't help it. That was the last one I promise. One of the employees came over to us and asked to see our tickets. We wondered why, since even though we weren't in our seats, the closest people were three seats away and no one had come and claimed the seats. We cooperated with the employee Harry E*, and politely moved. But on the way, Jordan, my neighbor and resident Baseball Stadium Lawyer, asked the man why we had to move since no one actually wanted the seats, and when heckling no profane statements were made. We didn't even talk to the team like the Paula Abdul lady there, who I swear tried to distract our team on purpose... On top of all that, it wasn't even Harry's job to check tickets. I'm not blaming Harry E. for the event. He apologized, and after all he was just doing what the higher-ups had told him. It ruined the next 4 or 5 innings of the game after it though.

It left us walking around the stadium wanting to heckle, like a tribe hunting caribou for meat, pelts, and of course a creepy deer head to hang on a wall back at the tribe. We chose the back wall, and for a few innings it worked. Around that time we decided we were going to go sit back in the stands again, but at a different location. The location we chose ended up redeeming the night, thanks to the people there who thanked us for coming over, and occasionally joined in the pastimes enjoyed by those who aren't playing the "Great American Pastime"(aka singing, heckling, clapping, and dancing along to whatever song the play). We made it onto the big screen too, and if we had stayed in those seats any longer, I could venture to say we could have found the cure for the common cold. They say it's impossible, but then they haven't sat in those seats have they?

That's all for now. It was an interesting night to say the least, only redeemed by the older couple that thanked us and invited us to come back anytime we like as if it's their stadium. And with how great they were, they probably did own it. Sort of. Okay, not really, but they were still great. Tune in whenever I decide to WRITE another edition of Tales From The Oven. Or just read all the stuff on my blog. That'd be cool of you.

*Name was changed for sake of the person. Duh.

Is this really the new chicken dance?

Dang liberals. Er, dang little girls... Invading such a timeless dance such as the chicken dance, making it "funky" or "fresh" or whatever other term that makes me sound like I don't know what the cool terms these days are. Here's the video, you be the judge. Is this another pointless McD commercial gone bad? Or is this the future of the chicken dance?

(note: video is a bit off)

Facebook Yearbook to come out soon

PALO ALTO, California- The suits at Facebook's HQ in Palo Alto announced late last night that they were planning on making a yearbook of Facebook users, because it would be "Pretty dang cool". When asked how they would do it, they had this to say: "Because there's like a bazillion users... okay, more like 80 million active users, we'll have to use a computer to go through making a list of the account names. From then on, we'll have to manually search through names to see if they're real or not, which will be hard to do.We'll also have to age restrict for privacy reasons, and add a funny haiku for those who don't want their picture in it."
It will indeed be a tough task for Facebook, as they are likely to face a large amount of angry 12, 13, and 14 year olds who have illegally registered on the site claiming to be older than they really are, and just want to be popular. It will also be tough deciding on which group would be considered the Glee Club, though sources say they have already chosen "Petition facebook for colored profiles" as the glee club, because "they want colored profiles, that sounds glee-ish". The yearbook for 2008 should be done by 2020, which sources say will largely be caused by a Myspace-Facebook merger. This gives hope to all users that the name of the yearbook will be "My face's Space Book".