Group play. Tied games. Free throw
shootouts? It could
very well never happen, so that's why we blog it. Years ago (two to be exact) I
started a similar venture with the World Cup, and never finished it. This will be almost the same, but
I'll finish it this time (I won't be blogging regularly after this, it just seemed fitting to finish it now).
The Groups:
They're
based off of how I've found them on ESPN.com, paired in 4's from left to right.
Simple, no?
Group A, The Not Quite But Close Group of Death:
Chicago Bulls
Philadelphia 76ers
Miami Heat
NY Knicks
Group B, The One You Think You Know How It Will Finish:
Indiana Pacers
Orlando Magic
Boston Celtics
Atlanta Hawks
Group C, The Ironically Group C Is Always the Group of Death Isn't It:
San Antonio Spurs
Utah Jazz
OKC Thunder
Dallas Mavericks
Group D, The Anything Can Happen Group:
LA Lakers
Denver Nuggets
Memphis Grizzlies
LA Clippers
How I'll do this:
Each team
will play each other in groups. Winners determined by actual playoffs result
(ex. series winner) AND regular season results when available (total head to
head record). If either is missing, the one not will prevail. If one team won
playoffs but the other won regular season, I'll rule it a tie in group stages only (the intro was not a joke); afterwards I'll switch to a different method, but I'll
explain when we get there.
The bracket
will follow the same as EURO 2012. Top two advance to play top two of other
groups (I’ll make a bracket when we get there, but you can just copy paste over
the current EURO bracket if you really need one now). I'm also going to ignore all injuries that may or may not have happened for the sake of a good tournament.
So that's that. Let's get started.
Group Stage:
Group A:
Rose. James.
Anthony. We sure it’s not the group of death here? Surprisingly, there’s a tougher
group out there but we won’t focus on it yet. Games in this group we be tough,
long, hard-fought, and not subject to “that’s what she said” jokes like this
sentence. Poor jokes aside, let’s look at how they’d turn out:
Knicks v Heat: The tournament’s opening match would
certainly not be a boring one, or one without stars. The classic Melo v LeBron
arguments would start up in pre-match festivities, only to be squashed at halftime
by the King himself.
RESULT: Heat win easily. (Heat postseason
win)
76ers v Bulls: How do you follow up follow up a
great first game? Make the second on just as good. Put the league’s best
defending team against the league’s third best defending team. Everybody loves
a defensive showdown, right? Well, everyone but fans that don’t like ties (basically
most fans).
RESULT: Our first tie. (Bulls regular
season, Philly postseason)
Heat v Bulls: Yet another showdown everyone wanted
to see, and only in the group stages (or regular season, but who watches that…)
can you get this! Unfortunately, unless you’re a fan of games that go back and
forth all night with no results, you probably wouldn’t enjoy it. Just kidding,
it’d be a great game!
RESULT: Another tie, but more exciting.
(Tied regular season)
76ers v Knicks: Likely one of those games only fans
of the sport (or the teams themselves) would watch. Doesn’t disappoint the fans
that do watch it though! Well, doesn’t disappoint the Knicks fans. After a
rough loss, the Knicks come back to beat a likely exhausted 76ers team.
RESULT: Knicks win. (Knicks
regular season)
Heat v 76ers: Prolific scoring versus almost
prolific defense. How does it end? With the almost best defense holding off the
team I pretty much said had the best offense (but doesn’t). Much like the last
game for the heat, it goes back and forth, but no team can get ahead of the
other.
RESULT: Tie. (Regular season tie)
Knicks v Bulls: The team that started off slow ends
up surprising everyone by coming back to win their last game and make it to the
Quarterfinals, all at the expense of the Knicks.
RESULT: Bulls win. (Bulls regular season)
Final Tally:
Unsurprisingly
the Heat advance from this group, albeit stumbling through teams most would
expect them to beat easily. The real surprise is Chicago advancing, as they
didn’t make it through in the actual NBA Finals and on top of that, they tied
on points. To choose the advancer, we’d normally go head to head. They tied, so
I’ll do goal differential from their regular season games. Miami squeaks out by
1 more goal (point by NBA terms) scored.
Group A:
Team Played Pts
GD
Heat 3 5 15
Bulls 3 5 14
Knicks 3 4 --
76ers 3
2 --
(Bold advances)
Group B:
Mostly
forgettable, yet at the same time it isn’t. After all, if one team who didn’t
make it in the actual playoffs could make it to the quarterfinals, what’s to
say a team from this group couldn’t win it all?
Magic v Pacers: A matchup of the giants of past, this
game wouldn’t disappoint either set of fans. A back and forth match that one
could only suspect ends with Dwight Howard making the game tying dunk whilst
wearing a totally legal superman cape (after all, this isn’t David Stern’s NBA).
RESULT: Completely entertaining tie. (Orlando
reg. season, Indiana postseason)
Celtics v Hawks: The three amigos play keep away from the
Hawks all night in what proves to be the second blowout of the tournament. Not
much else to type, really.
RESULT: Celtics win. (Celtics both regular
and postseason)
Magic v Celtics: Superman cape or not, there’s nothing
Dwight can do to stop the trio known as the Three Amigos. It is however, a tale
of two halves. Orlando comes out fighting, only to be overwhelmed by the amigos
in the second half.
RESULT: Celtics win. (Celtics regular
season)
Pacers v Hawks: A close game the entire time, this
is one that would be won in stoppage time (if the NBA used stoppage). The
Pacers would start off leading, only to have the hawks swoop in right at the
end for the kill (see what I did there?)
RESULT: Hawks win. (ATL regular season)
Celtics v Pacers: Close game after close game, a group
that most (including myself) would likely write off still delivers. For the
first time of the group stage, the Celtics are held off by a Pacers side that
wasn’t having much luck in the tournament.
RESULT: Tie. (Regular season tied)
Hawks v Magic: The always solid Hawks perform the
same as they would all group stage, coming together to create a well-deserved
win. Dwight, his superman cape, and the rest of the Magic sulk their way back
home.
RESULT:
Hawks win. (Hawks regular season)
Final Tally:
Yet another
group ends with a favorite advancing (the Celtics), an actual team not (the
Pacers), an underdog advancing (the Hawks) and two leaders tied on points (more
points this time, however). I swear I’m not purposefully making it like this.
The Celtics however, win first due to head to head. Would rather goal
differential instead? They’d win on that too.
Group B:
Team Played Pts
Celtics 3 7*
Hawks 3 7
Pacers 3 2
Magic 3
1
*Head to head over ATL
Group C:
The actual group of death. I’ll leave
it at that.
Jazz v Spurs: In a bout of almost total domination,
the Spurs show the Jazz (and fans) why it sucks to be that team mismatched to
the group of death.
RESULT: Spurs win easily. (Spurs, regular and
postseason)
OKC v Dallas: They say 1 man isn’t enough, but in
soccer we say what if he’s German? (Note: Nobody in soccer ever says this. Ever.)
Despite One German national on the Dallas team starting, it’s simply not
enough. KD and friends bounce past the Mavs in this one.
RESULT: OKC wins. (Regular and postseason)
OKC v SPURS: The two giants face off in what would
probably be another cliché-filled paragraph letting you know who wins. Just
kidding. They tie.
RESULT: Tie. (Spurs regular season, OKC
postseason).
Dallas v Jazz: Bouncing back from a tragic loss with
a convincing win? That’s the power of German engineering from the post.
RESULT: Dallas win. (Regular season)
Jazz v OKC: Utah’s last game to redeem themselves turns out to be a good
one, at least by their standards. OKC takes the lead in the first half, only to
give one up in the second. It’s not enough for Utah however, who goes home with
zero points, the biggest victim of the group of death.
RESULT: OKC wins. (OKC regular season)
Dallas v Spurs: I love rivalries, and there’s fewer
better than this one. The two neighbors battle through both halves, only to
split the win for a tie. Dallas doesn’t advance by a single point.
RESULT: Painful tie. (Regular season split)
Final Tally:
In true
group of death fashion, one advances happy, one goes home disappointed, and the
two in the middle still hate each other. The surprising quality of this group?
This is the only group to finish like the actual NBA Finals did.
Group C:
Team Played Pts
OKC 3 7
Spurs
3 5
Dallas 3 4
Jazz 3 0
Group D:
The Final
Group of the Tournament, but definitely one not to forget: Two crosstown rivals
thrown in with two teams having much recent success? Sounds like a recipe for
chaos in the tournament, and that might just be what we get.
Lakers v Denver: A (insert overused cliché positive term
here) Denver team goes in ready to beat the world only to exit the game beaten
by the world. The world in the case of course, being the Lakers.
RESULT: Lakers Win. (Regular and postseason)
Clippers v Memphis: They say bears have a keen sense of
smell, even keen enough to be able to detect women. Unfortunately for Memphis
however, this wasn’t a WNBA game. The clippers give the grizzlies the haircut
of their lives, and a loss.
RESULT: Clippers win. (Regular and
postseason)
Denver v Memphis: Proving every case of “Samson syndrome”
wrong, the grizzlies pull off an easy win versus the team still looking for gold
in a postseason mine of disappointment.
RESULT: Grizzlies win. (Regular season)
LAL v LAC: The crosstown showdown. Superteam of old vs Superteam of new.
Old dogs however, don’t need to learn new tricks in this battle and end up
showing the newcomers how it’s been done in LA all along.
RESULT: LAL wins. (Regular season)
Memphis v Lakers: The all too dominant Lakers cruise
past Memphis after a brief scare or two in the first half. By the end of the
game it’s clear who was going to win all along.
RESULT: Lakers win. (Regular season)
Clippers v Denver: The Clippers come back to show why no
one should mess with them, while Denver joins Orlando in the post-game sulking.
RESULT: Clippers win. (Regular season)
Final Tally:
This group
was all about the numbers: For the first time, a group winner finishes with all
9 points possible. For the second time, a team goes home without points. Once
more, teams end up like they did in the actual playoffs. This stuff could be
exciting if they actually did it like this could it not?
Group D:
Team Played Pts
Lakers
3 9
Clippers 3 7
Grizzlies 3 3
Denver 3 0
Knockout Stage:
Quarterfinals:
Advancing to
the quarterfinals are the Heat, Bulls, Celtics, Hawks, OKC, Spurs, Lakers, and
Clippers. The eight teams will be paired as such:
Winner A v Runner up B
Winner B v Runner up A
Winner C v Runner up D
Winner D v Runner up C
Or
QF1 Heat v Hawks
QF2 Celtics v Bulls
QF3 OKC v Clippers
QF4 Lakers v Spurs
After this, they’ll go into semifinals.
That will look like this:
Winner QF1 v Winner QF3
Winner QF2 v Winner QF4
And then of course it’s the final.
Now, I
mentioned earlier that I’d go into something different to settle ties when we
got out of group stages, and I wasn’t lying. To make things more controversial
(as if they weren’t enough already), I’ll use free throw shootouts. The team
with the higher free throw percentage will advance, and the other goes home. That
said, at the time of writing this I don’t even know that we’ll get this far.
The Quarterfinal Games:
Heat v Hawks: Eager to upset the team to beat, the
Hawks strike first. Dream team 2.0 doesn’t take it well, returning the favor
and then some. The Heat make the Hawks look like England during penalties and
walk away with a solid win.
RESULT: Heat wins. (Regular season)
Celtics v Bulls: While the Celtics played better in
the group stages than the Bulls, that didn’t stop the Bulls from making it a
game. The Bulls come out guns blazing and keep it going until the whistle
blows.
RESULT: Bulls win. (Regular season)
OKC v Clippers: In what would be the game of the
Quarterfinals, Griffin and co. bring their A-game to upset the same team that
would go on to lose the actual NBA Finals (Cue fans of OKC: “But they made it
didn’t they? Isn’t that enough?”)
RESULT: Clippers win. (Regular season)
Lakers v Spurs: I know what you’re thinking: “been
there, done that in like a buhmillion NBA Finals…” You’re probably… right, but
instead of the Lakers advancing per recent times, it’s the Spurs that make it
through.
RESULT: Spurs win. (Regular season)
Semifinals:
Going with the aforementioned bracket, they end up being two very good match-ups and looking like this:
Heat v Spurs
Bulls v Clippers
Going with the aforementioned bracket, they end up being two very good match-ups and looking like this:
Heat v Spurs
Bulls v Clippers
Heat v Spurs: There is no crueler mistress than the
sea. Except of course, for the NBA Finals (sailors, we can debate the
factuality of this statement later).In this particular case, the Mistress belongs
to the Spurs. The Heat and Spurs only played one game this season, and the Heat
won it. They’d win this game too.
Finalist Numero Uno: The Heat
Bulls v Clippers: Let’s be honest. With either team
here advancing, it ends up being a match everyone would have wanted to see at
the beginning of the season. All that aside, another cruel mistress was present
for this semifinal, unfortunately at the expense of the Clippers. Another one
game result sends a team to the exciting conclusion.
Finalist Numero Dos: The Bulls
THE FINAL
In a game surely not officiated by
that one old ref whose name I forget and who hates Tim Duncan and the Spurs, it
actually looks like it’d be a cool match. One team that actually made it, and
one that didn’t. Of course in this, I’m ignoring all injuries, so anything was
always possible. Anyway, to the match itself:
Heat v Bulls
If you remember the group stages, you’ll
know they end up tied the first time around. If you know my style, you’ll know
they end up tied the second time around. I mean why else would I have come up
with the whole free-throw shootout thing? So, if NBA games were EURO 2012 PK shootouts,
this would be England v Italy. England, of course being the Bulls, and Italy
the Heat. That’s right. The Heat still win, even in a playoff format like this.
The End
So that’s
that. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn’t, let me know why as I'm always open to criticism (unless it has to
do with the Groups C+D puns or fragments. This entire blog is built on fragments and puns.)
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