BBC Says Mars Rover Is "Frustrated By Martian Soil", Lander says "That's What She Said"

MARS, The Solar System- BBC reporters say that Martian soil has frustrated The Phoenix Lander, because it can't get a reading from it. My own sources say the Lander, or Mr. Pheeny as I like to call it, has reportedly sent back binary data saying "This place is stupid." and "all your base are belonging to Mars". Many of us here at my house know that this is not good news at all. Mr. Pheeny, who was sent to Mars on the 25th of May, has just now started to try and dig to analyze the soil of Mars. BBC said that when it tried to analyze the soil in it's hi-tech Thermal and Evolved-Gas Analyzer, it seemed the soil was a bit too "lumpy", and that "it frustrated the rover". When NASA told the Rover, it reportedly sent back a binary code saying "That's what she said" and that "it will pwn Mars' soil." Sources say that the problem should be fixed in a few days, once the necessary code to read the soil is sent to the rover. Until then, NASA say they will "do whatever is possible to find out about Mars... Even if it means sending Commander Keen there" referring to Billy Blaze, now 36, but most known as the kid whowent to Mars in a spaceship made out of old soup cans and other household items. If Keen does go to Mars again, it will likely be in a real spaceship this time for safety and weight reasons.

China to Allow Texting As Olympic Sport

China to Allow Texting As Olympic Sport
Can America Bring Home the Gold?
By: Tim Ducote



WASHINGTON, D.C.- This statement might come to many as a surprise. The first being me writing a news article, and second being texting as an Olympic sport. But in a recent interview with the U.S. Olympic Committee, we find both happen to come up. "I didn't know texting was a sport" said U.S. Olympic Ombudsman John W. Ruger. "But we're certainly working on it. We've got a team together, including the World's best texter Ben Cook... That kid is so good, only a robot can beat him." he said, confidently referring to the fact that Ben Cook has only been beaten in texting competitions by a text-to-speech computer. The rest of the team has not been named yet, but speculators say it will be "the next dream team, but in tech form". But the U.S. will have some tough competition, most likely going against England's favorite James Trusler, New Zealand's Elliot Nicholls, and the 16 year-old Singaporean wonder Ang Chuang.
The main thought on everyone's mind though is this: Will anyone be texting, idk their bff jill... or maybe rose?










Disclaimer: THIS IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL, POKING FUN AT THE OLYMPICS. NO ACTUAL EVENTS MENTIONED TOOK PLACE.

Attack of the Clownes?

Once again, I decided to make another blog of stupid conspiracy theories. Sure, with the Dallas Morning News giving me free reign to go through new, previously hidden J.F.K. assassination files I could have proven that it was the Mongoose in the grassy knoll after all, but we all know that's true and thus would have been a waste of precious internet for me to write about it. Remember, the internet isn't a truck where we can dump all our files onto. It's a series of tubes, and they can be clogged. Which is why I'd like to remind you to be green when using the Interwebs. I think I can say roughly one ninth of the internet has been lost from wasted internet. If this continues, along with the average user's silicon footprint, in ten years roughly one ninth will still be wasted! I'll leave you with my favorite SoTA(series of tubes awareness) poster. Series of Tubes Poster.


What you came to read in the first place
Anyways, I'd like to bring awareness to Clowns. Er, Clones. Okay, both of them. You see, to properly explain I'll have to go back a little. Last year I studied etymology a little, also known as the study of words and where they come from. While researching words one day, I came across an astonishing discovery. Now, along with my colleagues Professor Tim Coolson and Professor Bob G. Madd, I have reason to believe that Clowns and Clones are actually one of the same. Ok, so maybe it's just me and I made up the two "colleagues", but I still have reason to believe they're closely related.

And Now for something completely in Danish, or really just a few Danish words here and there.
If one looks up the Danish word for Clown, they would easily find that it is "Klovn".
Now if one does the same for Clone, they find the word is "Klon". What? Only a one letter difference? How could that be you ask? Well it's simple. Way back before the Germanic Consonant Shift in the third century(we're talking B.C./ early A.D.), the Danes were just chilling. Yes, Chilling... That is until a massive Klovn Attack, also known to many as one of the attacks Ceasar Augustus sent upon the Danes. Of course then they weren't known as Danes, and yes I realize I just made a statement saying that Ceaser Augustus himself, the first Roman Emperor sent Clowns to attack. And I stand by that. Sort of. More of right next to it. You see, what strikes fear into a grown man's heart more than clowns? Nothing. Well, not much anyways. Augustus knew this, and as a man who knew the power of clowns himself, he sent them upon the Danes hoping to conquer them. When the clowns arrived, ironically all crammed onto a tiny cart carried by a miniature pony(much like the tiny cars they use today) it was interesting. A young historian at the time, along with his teacher, were recording the moment in history. The boy described them as "klovns" much to his teacher's disagreement. At the time, the word "Klon" had many meanings, such as clone. If the boy had used "Klons" to describe them, it would have been accurate. But the boy, much like myself, thought that because they were a new type of clone so to speak, they deserved a new word: "Klovn", or Clown.* His teacher, who was a a wise old man, never did understand it. In fact, The Great Foyer of Records(not to be confused with The Great Hall of Records) has him quoted as saying "Kids these days... making up new words like they're smart or something... well back in my day, we didn't have words... wait, we did. My bad... the kid is just too creative. Kind of like how anakin had too much of a midichlorian coun... oh wait, that hasn't come out yet, whatever it is..". So you see, it is quite simple. Clowns and Clones are the same thing. Clowns just look funnier or scarier, depending on what you think.


So does this mean that we will all be attacked by clownes? like a clownevasion?
No. Shortly after they tried to sack Denmark, some guy with a Ham led them free from the rule of The Roman Empire, and the then crazy Rulers. This later gave inspiration to Shakespeare to make Hamlet(changing a few major details here, there, and everywhere). From then on the Clownes were a peaceful and prosperous people. Today Clownes aren't too bad, they just scare people. Of course if you ask them they'd say kids love them, but we all know the truth. So there you have it, the entire slightly abridged* history of clones/clowns. If you don't believe me, that's not fine. It's not surprising for someone to think I'm making all this up...



*1 This statement has also been verified by myself, and is available in Tim's History of The World: You'd be better off with a real book Edition, available from BobCo Publishers.

*2 I was tired, so I abridged it. a little.

The Economical and Sociopolitical Effects of Texting One's Brother.

The Economical and Socio-Political Effects of Texting One's Brother

Or as one might say in a different Country,

Der Economic Effekt der Fischschwimmens während auf Feuer

A Well researched Paper(hint hint) By: Tim Ducote

To start off my paper, I would just like to elaborate why one would write such a paper of useless proportions. The answer is and will always be, "One writes these sort of papers for educational institutions. There is no other need for such a topic; Only The Man would make one write about such a thing."

Now that I've gotten 57 words out of the way, on to the other four hundred and forty three.


Part One
How I eloquently show you the ecoNOMNOMNOMical effects of texting one's brother

One might think finding the economical effects of a simple text these days is hard; that is simply not the case. At the moment, America is in slightly hard economic times. The dollar is at record lows to the pound, euro, Canadian dollar, and yes, even to a Charmin® Mega Roll square(used by some countries as Currency... Or at least it could be, it's so dang thick.)
Texting on average costs about four cents per text, so deductively speaking, if one were to send five texts in one day, that's twenty cents. And as we all know, that's one shiny Jefferson coin away from a shiny Washington coin with one's favorite state on the back(My favorite is Louisiana, it has a pelican on it.) But how is twenty cents anything close to an ecoNOMNOMNOMical effect? If one simply does a currency exchange, it is easy to see. But in case whoever is reading this doesn't usually carry a copy of Idiot's guide to currency exchange whilst reading something absolutely preposterous I have a table available on photobucket, here for you. So, as one can see, it is quite an economnomnomical toll on one's pocket book. I believe a caption for an LOLcats picture on this subject would say "im in ur pocketbook, nomming ur currencees"

Part Two
Where I show you the Socio-Political effects of this all, or as most people would think "How I learned to ruin and fix a political argument on a social networking site like Facebook within one day. w00t!"

What does Socio-Political mean, anyways? I think it's safe to say that as much as we'd like, it isn't a word to describe Hilary Clinton(or insert disliked politician here _______) as a sociopathic political godzilla. No, Socio-Political does in fact mean "An interpretation of art history which takes into account social and political factors." according to the "www.arts.auckland.ac.nz/ahist/arthist111/glossary/index.htm" website, which I can confidently say sounds quite reliable thanks to the "arthist111" line(sounds like a college class to me!). Now how does this apply to my everyday life? The answer is prank texts. Few people know that pranking is in fact an art. The art of messing with other people till they go crazy, to be precise.
If one goes and looks at the currency table again, it is easy to find the following things to happen.
Here's just a few:

• Congress would go mad if they ever started texting each other, causing political uproar; this would be bad.
• Idk, no moar txting my bff 4 art hstry info cuz it costs so much, kthx?
• and the list goes on...

Because pranking costs the "prankee" so much, if ever discovered it is economically unsafe to even think about how to pay for it. To be even more precise, it would be like when Tom Hicks and George Gillet had a £350m refinance plan that almost no fan hoped would happen. One wouldn't want to be in that situation, most likely wishing one had just watched that rerun of Star Trek instead(But we all know Kirk pranked the Klingons every now and then, eh?).
Now I realize I've only talked about the economical and political points. The social points are not much at all, really. Plain and simple, if the current economic state continues, prank texting will cost too much. That is unless you don't mind losing money and property to pay for it.

How most would react to the loss of items from prank texting*:
Loss: No cable TV.
Reaction: "No biggy, no biggy... UEFA Champions League will be missed"
Loss: No internet.
Reaction: "Oh well, back to snail mail."
Loss: Money(the Pink Floyd single 45 record).
Reaction: "Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash..."
Loss: Money, as in one's cash.
reaction: "Well there went gas for my car for social events... My utilities, making me a hermit... Food money, well I'm gone from society fo sho now..."

*Note, these are NOT my personal reactions.

So thusly, and furthermore, as one can see these are the economical and socio-political effects of texting one's brother. From my own experience, I have learned it is not the smartest idea. I will leave the judgment of that however, to the reader. But trust me, I'm right on this. Quoth the Tim, Nevermore.






Sources:
Google search with "define:" added for word meanings.
Info on state quarters: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State_quarters
All currency conversion except CMR: www.xe.com/ucc
Info on GBP and how I got the squiggly L with a line through it(£): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pound_sterling
Info on LOLcats: http://icanhascheezburger.com
Additional crud provided by the person who runs www.myspace.com/ska_avenger, and this blog.

Thanks to Edgar Allen Poe for the nevermore line I threw on at the end, it adds a good dramatic effect and allows me to use more than one word that ends in "more" within the paragraph.

An Investigation of Giraffes

It was an average night for me tonight. A good dinner, computer whirring and making a funny sound.. but I had plenty of stuff on my mind- Stuff I had to tell. And that stuff isn't about my life, school, or anything like that. No, It's about giraffes. It's been bothering me since I thought up this whole idea five seconds ago, so I figured I'd blog about it. Here it goes.

Giraffes are mysterious creatures. Very mysterious creatures. Some eat trees. Some go to cartoon schools. And some happen to own a really big toy store chain across the United States. But what's most mysterious about giraffes are their name, and their ginormous necks. Now I realize my statement might offend any mutant giraffes that somehow have access to the internet and my blogs, but I think they're used to it anyways..er, if I do, I'm sorry. Anyways, the first thing I'm going to look at is their name. Giraffe. It breaks into two parts: 'gir' from the word giro meaning spinny thing, and 'affe' which comes from the word waffle. So this tells us several things. The first being that the person who discovered them was hungry, the second is that the person liked spinny things, and the third is that the person like waffles, or all three of those things.
One last thing that it tells us is, the giraffe was indeed, poorly named.

Now, as for their huge necks, that is still an unsolved mystery that I am researching. I do have one surprising lead that I am inclined to believe. The lead suggests that giraffes are in fact part animal, part missle silo. I have one picture proving that this surprising theory could be true. Here it is.



So there you have it. I've presented all my research results and it's up to you to decide if what I'm saying is amazingly true, or just a bunch of bullcarp(different from the bull carp, see here). Anysupercoolways, I'm done with my investigation of giraffes, the rest is up to you.

Sources: My own thoughts. No real stuff. Wait, I had help from The big W!!!!!!

A proposal for a solution to the end of America's debt, or "How I think we wasted money".

Ok, so it's my first blog on this blogspot thing and obviously I don't want to mess it up with some lame movie review, or with something like "My life, oh it's so emo-ly exciting". Nay, I choose to pick the hard hitting stuff everyone loves to hear(and subsequently laugh at five seconds later).
So now, here it is.


A proposal for a solution to the end of America's debt, or "How I think we wasted money"
Part One, or "The first part".

Picture this. Americans, walking down the street when suddenly a small coin drops out of their pocket. That one hero guy goes to pick it up, but is accidentally trampled upon and pushes it down a drain. Or, you could go with the oh-so-common "Make a wish" and throw it in to a pond/river/body of water example, but I wanted to get my point across. We waste pennies. A man once said "A penny saved, is a penny earned". That man, also known as Benjamin Franklin, knew what he was talking about. You see, America is in debt. Lots O' Debt. How is this, with America being the wealthiest country? I don't know.... Oh wait, I do know. It's the pennies, and all sorts of other change that we drop.
And so, just in the very first part of my long, drawn out proposal for a solution to end America's debt, I propose we start a penny/dime/nickel saving commission. It could have a commercial, with a catchy phrase that Emery used(for an unrelated song) "You Think You're Nickel Slick [But I Got Your Penny Change]". If America doesn't start now, we'll start down the long forgotten road of no coin change. And that would not be fun on 99 cent taco Tuesdays for most of us.

Part Two, or "The Second Part", or "The Effect of saving our coins, and also the wildlife affected" or "Why doesn't he just stick with one title?"

So I've already Proposed to collect the coins from the ground, and body of water, etc. What more do I want? Well 20 bucks would come in handy right now, but the real thing I should do is show you how our carelessness with coins has affected the fishes, and a few other wildlife, such as the platypus. You're probably thinking "how did my one penny affect it?" or "all I wanted to do was give it some money...". The thing is, fishes and other animals can't do some things as well as we humans can. This chart should show it.

Chart To Compare Fish to People


So you see, we have to take those comparisons into consideration when we toss our spare change into their home. They can't handle it. Now, am I saying we should just get rid of the problem altogether? Not the fish problem, no. The money tossing problem yes. As our president one said, "I believe the Human Being and fish can coexist peacefully". I do not believe, however, that pocket change and fishes can coexist peacefully. It's a recipe for penny eyed fish, with a side dish of debt, and disaster for dessert.


Note the Penny-eyed salmon, no longer bearing an ounce of tastiness, but now an ounce of your pocket change.


a close up view of the horror

So you see, as I end this due to a lack of creativity, writer's block, and a general want to end it- There is one true point throughout this blog. If America would just pick up their pocketchange, I dare say we wouldn't be in debt.


Of course, what do I know about taxes and spending and such....